I have recently submitted an ACW application to take my solo show up to Edinburgh Fringe so that I can maybe fulfil a dream for this work; and take it to tour across the UK and overseas to Europe and other international destinations... Fingers and Toes are all crossed. Me and this project have what currently feels like a hilarious relationship with each other, where the work, not me, decides what it does or does not want to do next!
This project has always been bigger than me, and it really does have a life of its own, one that I am learning to listen to, trust in, and continually re-find the courage to listen too. It tells me what it needs, and I do my best to make that happen. It's a strange feeling and I like that it feels like it lives and flows through me, rather than for me. It has agency of its own, as if it were a living, breathing, life force. Which of course it is. An artistic entity! I'm sure some people would worry about that as a concept! And for me it makes total sense.
And I keep asking myself; do I want to do it again? Bare my soul, and body, heart and my hardest struggles in life thus far, on a stage, for more strangers to witness, all over again?
And the work replies, Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Over and over again. Yes. This is still needed. Yes.
Am I addicted to performing this show? Maybe. Because it does feel, fucking wonderful to do it, each and everytime that I do! It was crafted this way. That the journey and the arch of the work, take me on a journey, in my body; from where I am now, back to before, and back out the other side to now again. So there is a re-patterning in me, everytime I share this work that reminds not only the audience, but also my past and current selves;
It is possiible. To dive deep into the darkness. Survive. Emerge. And thrive. It is possible.
And as someone who has struggled, wrestled and all out fought with very unhealthy or damaging addictions; perhaps this is exactly what I need, to be healthily addicted to...an experience that leaves me feeling tall, broad, positive, strong, capable, excited and full of hope, for myself, for others, and for the world. Something that reminds me of the light.